I know I sound like a broken record, but I can't seem to push myself to put time into the important assignments due in the near future. In some measure this is brought about from the semester nearing a close, but there is another factor I have yet to establish. I want to work on the assignments, but some unknown force is holding me back. I'm in the position now that if I am unable to exert myself, I go to bed early; I have fallen asleep between 8 and 9 pm the three evenings this week. This may be the reason why I have been sleepier than ordinarily.
Last Friday I made a resolution to be more positive; I had an epiphany of some sort. I at long last got it through my head that medication is only a building block in recovery; I need to take charge of it myself. Through my writing it should be apparent that I am pessimistic and do not exert myself to conceal it. I have avowed to change that quality about myself in hopes of becoming a more happy and open person. A positive perspective will not prohibit low moments, but I will be more capable of coming over them. I am now visiting the Diamond Library again and if by chance I cross paths with the girl I've been avoiding, I will smile, wave and carry on my way. Having meaningful goals is significant as well, but outlining what I yearn to fulfill will have to wait until after my major papers are wrapped up.
On Friday an unforeseen development took place. A branch of my new philosophy was to be more social. I out of the blue instant messaged a girl I have known since junior high and had one of the classes I dropped out of. As we chit-chatted she asked me questions that I knew were leading to something. They were questions such as what are you doing now, when does your next class start and when does your last class end. When our future plans for the summer came up, I noted I had not been to a beach in long time. Posthaste she proposed going to a beach not far away from campus, even if only for a limited amount of time. I agreed and she picked me up at the bus stop in front of the Diamond Library on Main Street. On the drive there we conversed on a number of topics such as her trip to the emergency room by ambulance for chest pains in the middle of the night. There was diddly squat they could do for her so she proceeded back to her dorm, unable to continuing resting. Samantha has a host of medical problems, all of which I can not recollect. Her most explicit condition is allergies to an abundant number of things. She is fully aware her difficulties handling stress further bring harm to her. She went on about troubles with her boyfriend at a considerable length. He stresses about what she doesn't, only amplifying her level of stress. She has an itch that the sixteen day trip to Ireland during the month of June together will make or break the relationship. They have never been alone for such an extended length of time which worries her that it will not go well. I made an effort to be impartial, giving her advice such as arranging activities alone to give each other space. It was no picnic because of her concentrated negativity toward him. Alongside that, I've had a teeny crush on her for years now. Connectedly, she conveyed a crush she had on her college English teacher, which I found rather cute. I was dumbfounded that I succeeded in holding a conversation for so long with minimal uncomfortable moments; she even seemed interested in what I had to say. We strolled back and forth on the beach for an hour or so giving enough time to drive me back to campus before my next class started. I had scheduled attending yoga, but skipped it because I felt we both needed the break. I contacted Samantha on Monday to check up on how she was feeling and to inquire if she was available Friday. My proposition of seeing a movie and playing pool might have come off as a date, which was not my motive. I enjoyed her company and want to continue to do so in the future. She was uncertain of her availability, only remarking she might be free after 8 pm. This could be an indication that she would rather not, I'm not sure; I've never been good with these sorts of things. I was allegedly oblivious that we flirted with each other during high school, according to friends at the time. The old me without much thought would have stopped pursuing her altogether, but with my new affirmative attitude, I am inclined to put additional effort in. I messaged her again yesterday about it, with no response. I'm am uncertain whether to probe her again. I'm worried my message Wednesday was creepy and pushy.
My mom has it in her head that we are destined to be together based on coincidental evidence. When Samantha was in 8th grade, me being in 7th, she chose to go to Kingswood Regional High School instead of Spaulding High School where students from Wakefield customarily attend. I made the same choice in 8th grade, but she had changed to Spaulding High School at the beginning of sophomore year because she did not enjoy Kingswood. When I also had the same problem and transferred to Spaulding sophomore year. She felt guilty because she believed she had played a part in my decision to go to Kingswood. After graduating from Spaulding, she went to the University of Maine for college. I started at the University of New Hampshire last spring and she transferred here this spring because of the cost for out-of-state students in Maine, which I found out when we met in class. We also worked at the same store at different times. We sometimes messed around in my junior year of high school driving back to Wakefield and before she graduated she wrote her number on my car instructing me to call her and scribbled “Thanks for the fun times, Wyatt!”, “Samantha is cool!”, “Sucka”, and “You wish you were a senior. Ha ha ha!” The last part was in reference to me having parked in the senior parking lot that day. As I acknowledged before, I was blind to these signs. Both my friend Melvin and my mother think I should weasel my way in while she is discontent with her current relationship, but that is not the type of person I am. Not only am I convinced that ship has sailed, I am in no health for a relationship as of now.
That same day I text messaged two people I've had communication with this semester. One person was originally a participant in the experiment I was in, but dropped out because of his classes being top priority. During our short lived time together we got along rather well, so far that we exchanged phone numbers and Xbox Live usernames. To my dismay, he has not responded. The other person I've talked to off and on during the semester after a verbose dialogue on Facebook relative to a situation with a boy she was considering dating. Preceding Friday she offered spending time together, which I neither declined nor accepted. When I took her up on it, she suggested getting coffee before the semester ended. We were to meet Wednesday, but I canceled because I was not feeling well and stayed home. I do not think we will reschedule.
Speaking of Wednesday, I woke up feeling rather “off”. It had nothing to do with waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but rather a strange feeling of being incomplete and misaligned that I haven't experienced before. Nothing was missing, but everything was disorganized. I felt that my reality had become fragmented; I was in it and not in it at the same time. The Lost episode I had watched the night before involving a character whose mind kept jumping back and forth in time may have been an influence.
I haven't caught up with everything I want to talk about, so if not by tomorrow then by Sunday I will cover what I didn't today and continue my movie proposal.
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